Hope

 

Hope can be disappointing to you when it doesn’t come through as you had imagined.  And yet, that is one of the few things that can sustain you when you are struggling.

I’ve been to numerous doctors since January 2016, each one trying to help me with my fatigue, muscle and joint pain that I attribute to Lyme . I’ve taken antibiotics and had lots of blood work–I still need to go and get another blood test–and I’m now on supplements that do give me some of my energy back.  This week, though, a new symptom reared its ugly head: nausea. And when you have Lyme and have to take certain supplements over the course of the day, and you must eat and drink to help absorb, utilize, and expel those supplements, that sickly feeling doesn’t make your day progress with any hope.

Each time I make a new appointment, there is  a little glimmer of hope that shines in the back of my mind: may be TODAY will be the day that I will start to get some real answers to help me heal. But then a doctor says, “It fibromyalgia. Take Lyrica and see me in three months.” Or , “It’s a virus, let it run its course.” Or, “You’ve already been treated for Lyme.” Or, “Yes, you have these viruses in your blood, but we don’t know what is causing your symptoms.  Just eat right and exercise.”

Well, all of that medical advice really doesn’t give me much hope.  It’s akin to “Take 2 aspirin and call me in the morning.”  And don’t forget to leave your  co-pay on the way out.

In the meantime, I’m struggling to “eat right” since I can’t eat anything but protein, leafy greens, and water without pain in my muscles or redness in my face.  I’m struggling to “exercise” since my stamina is not up to break-a-sweat level yet.  I’m struggling to  find answers in books and articles I read and with people I speak to.   I’m struggling not to worry about what this “virus”, called Lyme, is doing to my nerves, my blood, my organs. I’m struggling knowing that I am not ready to go back to work, knowing that my students are in good hands, but not in my hands.  And I’m struggling to find a professional who really listens to all of my symptoms and not just part of them to give me a realistic diagnosis and treatment plan.

I have another appointment with a different holistic practice this Friday. I have filled out a detailed online form which allowed me to list my symptoms, my goals for my health, my supplements, my diet plan and medical information.  It was pretty extensive, and I have another form I need to complete before Friday as well.  This gives me some hope , since providing all the information could surely lead to some better advice and treatment plan.

Within the struggle, there is hope.  It’s just hard to find it sometimes.